Gabriella's Story: My Early Loss

I am adding my story of early loss and how we responded to it. 

I have heard from women who are distressed because there was no body to bury, 

or the body was discarded before there was time to think about what to do. We have to forgive 

and let go when this happens. We can only do our best; and once a baby has gone to Heaven, 

there is nothing in this world that can possibly hurt him or her. I also want to offer 

encouragement that we can still honor our babies in these situations. Even when our baby 

has vanished and is unknown to the rest of the world, we have permission to grieve. 

We know that our baby was real.  

Three years after losing Isaiah, I had a healthy baby. She is our miracle. One year later I was happy to find that I was pregnant again. At 8 weeks I went in for my first prenatal visit, expecting and hoping to receive confirmation that everything was fine. Instead the ultrasound revealed no heartbeat and a baby that measured only 6.5 weeks. The doctor told me that they would expect this to be a miscarriage, although he didn't want to say for sure because it was still early. Dates can be off. Suppose I was much earlier than I thought; and suppose the baby was even earlier than 6.5 weeks, in which case, the heartbeat might not be detectable. Therefore he wouldn't want to go forward with a decision such as D&C. He wanted clear confirmation of the baby's death before making such a decision. I have always agreed with this approach to early loss, and I appreciated hearing such wisdom from this doctor. We had been planning a vacation for many weeks. He suggested that we cancel the vacation because I could likely have the miscarriage during that time.

We decided to have our vacation. Suppose we canceled it but then the miscarriage didn't happen for several more weeks? Then we would have missed out on a vacation. (We never go on vacation.) We would have spent the time moping around the house doing nothing but waiting for a miscarriage in vain. That sounded miserable. If the miscarriage happened during vacation, I would just have a sucky day that day. I would take time out from vacation and lay on the couch all day long. Obviously I wouldn't be doing any zip-lining or serious hiking. But being pregnant and expecting a miscarriage, I wouldn't be able to do those things anyway. We would never be far from a car or a hospital. So we packed our bags and left. The contents of my suitcase included copious feminine pads, a little plastic baggie in case there was a little tiny baby to keep for burial, a little wooden box that would be a casket, and chux pads. Part of the vacation included a visit to Hubby's parents. I called to tell my mother-in-law, "Hey, so, I might have a miscarriage at your house." She was very understanding.

On vacation while still carrying Gabriella. 

The miscarriage did not happen during the vacation. Indeed, it happened several weeks later. That vacation gave me memories of a time that we were out as a family, enjoying nature and life while I was still carrying Gabriella.

Our living children did not know about the pregnancy. After we returned home, we told them the news: "We have had another baby go to Heaven." We knew there would be no way to know if this was a boy or girl. We told the children that since Micah and Isaiah were both boys, we were just going to guess that this was a girl. If we weren't correct, that's OK. We let them have input on naming the baby. Everyone agreed on Gabriella, after the Archangel Gabriel.

I knitted a tiny blanket to place over Gabriella's remains in her casket.

Gabriella's Delivery Date: August 23, 2017

My water broke. A tiny amount of water. Then I delivered the placenta. There was a broken sac attached to the placenta, with something inside that I originally thought must be the baby. I will never know for certain if it was the baby or not. There is a chance that the baby came out with the water when the water broke. The baby could have ended up in my clothing or the toilet. A baby at this stage is very small, white, and sometimes translucent. If I had previously studied photos of babies at this stage, I might have been better prepared to identify the baby. But these things happen. We do the best we can.

We had a service-- the same service that we had for Micah and Isaiah. This time we decided to have just us, our priest, and two family members there. One parishioner was at the church at the time and decided to join us.

We buried what we had, which was the placenta and sac with possible remains of the baby inside.

Gabriella's grave, with flowers for her, Micah, and Isaiah.

I have a memory box for Gabriella. It's a small box with a few things to remember her by: an ultrasound photo of her, a small handmade blanket, a tiny handmade baby hat, sympathy cards, and photos from the time that I was still carrying her. It's a way to remember that my pregnancy with her was real-- she was real, she was loved, and she is still loved and remembered by her family.